


Fire and Ash

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Whumptober 2020 [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abusive POC character, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt No Comfort, I do NOT give him the nice things, I don't give him that either, M/M, Magnus is the bad guy in this fic, Rape, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Whumptober 2020, let me give you the warnings now, no beta we die like men, no happy ending, please be aware of that, please note the archive warning, please please please mind my tags, this is seriously dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:42:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26873869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: Alec wasn't sure when his dream had turned into a nightmare.Whumptober 2020 prompt fic - "Stop, please!"No happy ending.WARNING FOR RAPE/NON-CON. More warnings to be found within. Please see my tags or author's note for a complete list.Magnus is the bad guy in this fic. Please be aware of that. I urge you to keep yourselves as safe as possible and please, please don't read this fic if you find this offensive or triggering. <3
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & himself, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Whumptober 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950094
Comments: 31
Kudos: 82
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Fire and Ash

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! Today's Whumptober prompt is: "Stop, please!", which is just as angsty as it sounds. I know this is much darker than my usual brand of fic, and to be honest, it's probably one of the only times I will write this particular archive warning and I can almost guarantee that it will be _the_ only time you see alcohol abuse mentioned in more than a vague passing thought in a fic from me. This was written in a dark moment a while ago, promptly forgotten about, and continued for Whumptober. 
> 
> There are a LOT of warnings attached to this fic, so please see below for a complete list. <3
> 
> I really hope you like this!! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS** : Rape/non-con, alcohol abuse, self-harm, self-hatred, domestic violence, abusive character that is a POC.
> 
> Please be aware that Magnus is the "bad guy" in this fic. This is _not_ in any way meant to be an attack on the character of him (this fic does not represent how I feel about Magnus's character) and the role that I've placed him in has nothing to do with his race. I wanted to hurt Alec in a specific way and Magnus was the character that I chose to do the hurting because of my understanding of Alec's character (that he would be much more likely to stay with someone who was abusing him if that person had given him a lot). I deeply apologise if this offends anyone and I promise that it was not intended to. 
> 
> Please take care of yourselves. <3

Alec didn’t know when his dream had turned into a nightmare. 

It had happened gradually, so much so that Alec’s first response to the relationship becoming volatile was denial. Things like this didn’t change overnight. It was slow, like a poison settling into his veins. 

Alec certainly felt like he was made of poison now.

He turned his key in the lock, ignoring the feeling of dread that crept up his throat as he entered the apartment that had once felt like home. He could hear Magnus before he even closed the door behind him, and it struck fear in his heart. That never used to happen before.

“‘Xander!” Magnus slurred from the living room, and Alec felt sure that tonight would be one of the worst ones. He tried to prepare himself for it. He could face it. He could take it. He was strong. 

_And yet,_ his mind whispered, _Magnus makes you feel so weak._

Alec ignored the cruel voice in his mind that liked to spit lies and half-truths at him about his relationship, and ran a hand through his hair, tugging harshly on the messy black stands. It gave him an odd sense of comfort to be the one in control of his own pain. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

“Yeah, Mags,” Alec called back tonelessly. He slid his weapons belt off and hung it on the coat rack with his leather jacket, toeing off his boots on the welcome mat. He was tired. It’d been a hard day, with two patrols and a maze of bureaucratic red tape to cut through. He wanted to lay down and sleep and sleep and sleep until there weren’t dark rings underneath his eyes anymore, but he could tell that Magnus had other plans. 

“Missed ‘ou,” Magnus said, sliding into Alec’s space and wrapping an arm around his waist. Alec tried not to cringe. There was a time when Magnus’s touch was electrifying, a dance of sparks across his skin, but now it felt dirty and wrong. 

“Missed ‘ou this much.” Magnus grabbed Alec’s hand and placed it over his leather pants. Alec could feel the hard outline of Magnus’s cock, and he tried not to start crying right there. He could say no, run away, go back to the Institute, even, if he thought he was smart enough to think up a decent excuse once he got there. But Alec didn’t want to spend another night on a freezing cold park bench, nursing magical blisters that made the mundanes stare when he forgot to glamour himself. 

So he played along, forced his cold lips to meet Magnus’s, ignored the sickening scent of booze on his fiance’s breath, faked a moan and an orgasm and tried to think about killing demons or having fun with Izzy & Jace, anything to take his mind to a better place, while he sucked Magnus off as fast as he could. 

Magnus passed out after painting Alec’s chest with white ropes of come and Alec picked him up, settled him into the bed, and tucked the blankets around him. He set a glass of water and an Advil on the nightstand. Then, he got in the shower and washed off the evidence of Magnus’s abuse, turning the setting as hot as he could stand. His skin visibly reddened and he thought the blisters the hot water gave him were quite similar to the ones that his fiance inflicted upon him when he didn’t agree to be used like this. 

In a way, Alec thought, resting his head on the cold shower wall, maybe he deserved it. Magnus had always called him a dirty little whore when he sucked his cock, even before. Earlier in their romance, it was arousing, even welcomed; now, it was just a reminder that Magnus was right. 

Alec let Magnus use him like it was all he was good for. It made Alec want to cry to think that maybe it _was_. 

After an hour - maybe more, the water had long since run cold - Alec stepped out of the shower, toweling himself dry and dressing in sweats and a t-shirt. He tried to ignore the way his mind whispered that he’d never worn a t-shirt, or rarely even pants, after sex before. In fact, Alec had barely been allowed to leave the bed then. Magnus was a cuddle monster, even if he wouldn’t say so. 

The fond memories of his fiance brought tears to Alec’s eyes, and he cursed himself internally, scrubbing vigorously at the offending moisture on his cheeks. He wouldn’t cry. He chose this. If he really hated it so much, he could easily walk away. Hell, his mind shouted at him on a daily basis that he _should_ , that he could and no one would think less of him for it, that he was fully capable of surviving without Magnus. 

Alec, however, knew that was a lie. 

Alec exited the bathroom and gazed at his sleeping fiance with something akin to affection. He looked so peaceful like this, nothing like the man that had stopped listening to him when he said “No!” five months ago. Alec could almost believe, standing a few feet away where he couldn’t smell the alcohol that Magnus reeked of, that this was the same man he had proposed to. 

After a few more seconds, Alec heaved a sigh and made his way to the training room Magnus had installed into the loft for him when they moved in together. He gritted his teeth and slipped inside, trying not to think about what Magnus would say if he knew the training room he had carefully crafted for his fiance was now being used to fuel his own self-destruction. 

Alec felt a few tears slip down his cheeks at the realization that he would probably be too drunk to care. 

One punch was for Magnus, who had changed so much in the course of a few months. 

One punch was for Jace and Izzy, who knew something was going on with their brother but couldn’t figure out exactly what. 

One punch was for his mother and father, who didn’t care and never would. 

One punch was for himself, and everything he hated about his situation and his weakness and who he was. 

The sad truth was that Alec hated himself, and he always had, and Magnus had helped for a little while, reassuring him that he was perfect the way he was and Magnus loved him no matter what. That, of course, had lasted about as long as Magnus’s sober streak had, and now Alec was right back to the same maelstrom of hatred swirling in his mind like he was a teenager again. Not that he thought he deserved anything less. He knew what he was and what he was not, and he knew that, no matter what, he would never be good enough. At least he’d come far enough to accept the facts. 

If he _was_ good enough, in any sense of the word, he wouldn’t be where he was right now. 

Alec wrapped a few bandages around his bleeding knuckles and exited the training room, letting the door fall shut behind him. He briefly considered using an iratze, but he knew Magnus would be too hungover in the morning to notice, if he was even awake by the time Alec left for the Institute. He would apply an iratze before he went in, so Jace and Izzy wouldn’t worry, but there was no need to do it so soon. 

Alec could enjoy the pain for a little while longer. 

With that, Alec climbed into bed next to Magnus, trying to ignore the soft snuffles the other man made in his sleep. He wanted so badly to hate Magnus for what he’d done to him, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew he never would. Not when Magnus had given him so much. 

Magnus rolled over in his sleep and pressed himself closer to Alec, looping an arm around the younger man’s waist. Alec exhaled shakily and pressed on the wounds decorating his knuckles. He’d already cried enough tears to fill an ocean this year. There was no point in crying any more; nothing would change. Everyone who said that crying made you feel better was a bullshit liar. It never made Alec feel anything but contempt for himself. He hated being so fucking weak. 

Magnus shuffled again, his hand on Alec’s waist straying dangerously close to slipping underneath his shirt, and Alec’s breath caught in his throat. He cursed himself a moment later, digging his nails into the broken, bloody skin of his knuckles. Magnus’s touch was completely innocent; he was _sleeping_ right now, for fuck’s sake. Still images raced into Alec’s mind unbidden - being forced to his knees with the scent of alcohol (which he’d later grow to hate) surrounding him, “Stop, please!” and Magnus didn’t listen, tears of pain that were supposed to be pleasure, bile racing up his throat at Magnus’s touch, Jace and Izzy’s sympathetic stares and concerned, questioning glances - Alec took a deep breath and barely managed to keep the sob from escaping. 

He didn’t think he’d ever felt so weak. 

Apparently in the throes of some dream, Magnus changed position again, rolling away from Alec, and Alec breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he could finally get some sleep now. 

He drew the covers up to his chin and tucked them in around himself like he used to do when he was a kid and afraid of the monsters under his bed. Now he was an adult and afraid of the monster _in_ his bed, the monster that he loved with all of his heart. 

Alec closed his eyes and gave himself over to sleep, hoping against hope that tomorrow would be better. He doubted it, but he had to try. If he didn’t, he wasn’t sure what he’d do. 

He was already living in a world where nothing was right. Alec knew that, with a few wrong turns, he could easily find himself in a world where nothing was left. 

And he didn’t know that he could survive that kind of world. Not now. Not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open, but very slow! Thank you for your patience! <3
> 
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